Tender Wounds

As I was blaring my music and cleaning the house while Adalina slept and James and Enzo played downstairs for two hours, a song came on the radio (okay, I better keep up with the times, it wasn't really the radio, I should say, "a song came on my iTunes mix)  that I hadn't heard in years.  It was a song that I used to listen to over a decade ago as I was getting over a broken heart.  While it seems trivial now, I really was broken hearted. The guy I really thought I would marry had "dumped me." In all honestly, it was the only time in my life I have ever been dumped. He had gone on his mission, we wrote every week (yes, I was one of those) and then suddenly, the letters stopped coming.  A few weeks later I got "Dear Jane-ed" if you would call it that.  Although, he cryptically just said he wanted to be friends. But seriously, what else were we when he was on his mission.  It wasn't like when I wrote him, I told him nothing but how much I loved him and missed him.  I can honestly say I wasn't completely one of those. Anyway, I naively thought that there still might be hope and dragged on my suffering until long after he got home.  And while I did, I would further amplify my suffering by listening to sappy country love songs that reminded me of him.  One of those songs came on my iTunes mix the other day while I was cleaning.  While I listened to the song, my heart filled with an ache, a shadow of the suffering I had gone through at that time.  It wasn't as strong as it was all those years ago, and of course, I don't in anyway feel the way I did back then, but the song made me feel the ache that I had felt back then.  I'm not sure I can describe it quite right.  James, if you are reading this, no, I didn't miss my old boyfriend.  No, I don't wish I had married him. I just had a memory of my old heartache.  It was strange to me after so many years, that my heart could still ache, not for an old love, but for myself.  Today (okay, two days ago) I hurt for my old self like I think I would hurt for my child if they were suffering. Like I'm sure our Father in Heaven hurts for us when we hurt.

A few days ago my cousin Shelly posted something on Facebook that I loved.  She told about talking to one of her sons after he had gotten hurt.  I know I will mess it up, so I better quote it exactly.  I hope you don't mind, Shell.

"Today I kissed the tender wound of one of the boys...and as I did I murmured words to comfort. The pain will lessen and disappear. What once felt so unbearable will no longer be there. A scar may remain, but that is a sign of what has healed. As he walked away I thought of my own pain...and how tender it has been at times. How sometimes I've let things fester...and sometimes I've picked at them. Now only a few scars remain...I'm so glad for that moment."

How often we have tender wounds in life. Often, they are like the physical wounds of a rambunctious boy, easily healed and easily forgotten.  Other times, they are more poignant, like my young broken heart - never forgotten, longer to heal, but someday completely gone with nothing but a faint scar. And even more rarely, they are so strong we think we cannot bear them.

Having a son with a congenital heart defect (CHD), I have the privilege of calling myself a "Heart Mom." But an even greater privilege is being part of a group on Facebook for Heart Moms all around the area where I live.  I'm not a very active participant, especially since Enzo's heart defect is relatively minor and his subsequent heart health is so good compared to others in this group.  But in my observations and "Facebook stalking," I've come to realize what a wonderful group of women I have the blessing of knowing.  This past week, Mia, the 4 year old daughter of one of these heart moms, Mimi McDonald, passed away.  She was born needing a heart transplant, which she received at 4 months old.  Last week, she and her family flew to Florida after being granted a wish from the Make A Wish Foundation.  Before she could even realize her dream of meeting Minnie Mouse, Mia got sick and was taken to the hospital, where it was found that she was in rejection of her donor heart.  They took her in to the cath lab to do a biopsy of her heart, and during the procedure her heart stopped.  While they were able to resuscitate her and her heart recovered, her brain suffered injuries she couldn't recover from.  Her family had to take her off of life support and send their sweet baby back to our Heavenly Father.

I can only imagine the tender wounds this poor family is experiencing.  In reality, I have often imagined it.  None of us know how long we have on earth, but I sometimes feel that as a Heart Mom, I'm a tiny bit more likely to end up going through this same experience.  I've felt on more than one occasion that my son, as healthy as he seems now, may not be on earth as long as I would want.  And now, having another child, I wonder if maybe I've felt that way because I may loose her, or another child.  It could be that I've felt that way about Enzo to prepare me for some future heartache of my own.  Or maybe not. But I've imagined it often. My imaginings I know, are only the tiniest fragment of the pain and heartache of the reality Mia's family is experiencing. And that I know that these are the wounds that will not ever fully heal in this life.  My heart aches for the pain this family is going through.  But I know, that like my cousin said to her son, someday all wounds will heal.

I feel a little calloused in saying it, in light of such anguish that I have not personally felt.  But I know it to be true.  Scars will remain, but all wounds will heal with time.  My silly broken heart from college took years to heal, and sometimes I still feel a shadow of that ache.  And so I know that a parent's worst nightmare, loosing a child, is one of those wounds that never disappear.  But it will heal, a little at a time, and it will fade, and it will become bearable.

Last Saturday and Sunday, while Mia was on life support and her family was preparing to let her go, I sat at home with my family and watched General Conference, where the leaders of our church give us advice and counsel.  I know that the speakers at conference are asked to speak but not given topics.  The are to seek guidance and inspiration to know what to speak on.  I've listened to many, many conference talks in my life, but never before have I heard one where I knew they must have been inspired of God to say what they were saying.  Saturday morning, while I checked Facebook on my phone every half hour for updates on Mia (and where I also read the comments and prayers of other Heart Moms, where I was inspired and uplifted by women I've never met, where I got to see such love and support that I can only hope to receive if I ever have to suffer the unthinkable) I heard a talk that was just for this family.  I felt as if this man was speaking directly to the McDonald family.  Knowing what they were going through, God must have had them in mind when he inspired this man to speak.  I'm sure there were countless others around the world needing to hear those words as well, but the loving Father in Heaven that I believe in was also thinking specifically of this family.

This man, Elder Shayne M. Bowen, shared his own experience with loosing a child.  He described what most of us hope to only imagine. He helped me feel a little bit of what this family and others have to go through. And he reaffirmed what I already know, and what I hope I will remember if I ever have to go through it myself.  I will just quote a few highlights.

• "I was reminded of the teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, who taught this comforting doctrine: “The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”

• "I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said: “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.""

• "I testify that, as stated in Preach My Gospel, “as we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”"

I have a testimony that even the unthinkable wounds will heal.  Even when we wonder, "why me" and suffer beyond imagination, our Savior Jesus Christ will comfort us, and some day, even the most tender of wounds will heal.

Many moms in my heart group have been angered by theirs, and others', experiences with their child having a CHD. When they saw the suffering of Mia's family, it made some of them angry again.  But as another heart mom said (and I only paraphrase) "God's plan is perfect.  We are only angry because we can't see the end."

James and I both feel so grateful for what we have gone through with Enzo.  Even from the beginning, all we have felt is blessed for the whole experience.  While it was difficult and heart breaking and while some little scars still remain for us, we are so grateful for the trials we have been given.  I hope we can always say that.  I hope I can always say how grateful I am for my Tender Wounds and my Savior who heals them.