A Year Ago Today....

A year ago right now....

It's hard to find the words to say when I think about what I was doing a year ago this very moment - and the days and weeks that followed.  After 9 long months, my baby was finally here - and they had whisked him away without me getting to even see him, let alone hold him.  I got to see him for the first time a few hours later - in an incubator, ready to be Life-Flighted up to Primary Children's Hospital.

And then they took him away.  We didn't know what was wrong with him, or what was going to happen - but I knew he'd be okay.  I'm still amazed when I think about the peace that I felt at that time.  I knew that, no matter what, everything would be okay.  After James left to go with Enzo to the hospital, and I was left behind (thankfully, not alone - first my Mother-in-law, and then my cousin Cassie, stayed with me so that I wouldn't have to go through it alone) and as I tried to get some sleep, I remember praying to my Father in Heaven.  I knew that the peace that I felt came from Him, and that it was possible that the assurance I felt of everything "being okay" may not be the same okay that I would really wish for.  I prayed that Enzo would be alright, but if it was the Lord's will that He wanted him back, I just prayed that I could hold my baby one time before He took him. 

I'll be forever grateful that He answered that prayer.  I didn't get to hold my baby on the day he was born, or the day after - I didn't get to hold him until he was 9 days old. 

But I didn't just get to hold my baby once - I've gotten to hold him every day since then, for an entire year.  And today, on his birthday, I made up for not holding him a year ago - I held him extra long today.

And if he wakes up crying in the middle of the night, even after a year, or if he's climbing up my legs whining for attention, if he poops on me or spills the garbage can all over the floor....or even if my Father wants him back before I'm ready, I'll still be eternally grateful for every single day I got to hold my baby.