Broken Hearts

I have a new hobby - a version of self-inflicted torture - of reading blogs and stories of other "heart babies."  I can't seem to get enough of it.  Every day I find another one, and every day I spend time crying.  My heart breaks for all of the babies out there born with broken hearts - and for their parents, whose hearts break each time they hand their babies over to doctors and surgeons.  I know how blessed I have been, because I feel more emotional and my heart aches more now when I read about all the other stories than I did when I had to go through it myself.  I must have been truly blessed with strength and peace when I had to hand my own baby over (or when I had him taken away before I ever got to see him), because I know my heart didn't hurt as much then as it does today. 

This post is written in honor of my good friend Heidi, and her special heart baby Logan - who had his third open heart surgery today. Heidi lives around the corner (or two) from me - and Logan was born a few months after Enzo - also with a congenital heart defect (actually, several).  Logan had his first open heart surgery at 2 weeks old, and James and I made sure we offered what support we could, sharing our experiences and letting them know what to expect.  While Enzo's heart defect was immediately life-threatening, once it was repaired, he could potentially be fixed for good - and live a normal, active life in the future.  Logan's defects, however, went undetected for several days - and he was able to wait till two weeks old to have his first surgery.  But his heart needed more than a one-stop fix-all repair.  Logan would need at least one - maybe several - more surgeries.  So two weeks ago, Heidi and her husband Brad flew out to Philadelphia with Logan to have his second surgery.  They flew all the way out there from Utah because the surgeon there gave them the most hope for Logan's heart.  Because of the complexities of Logan's defects, he could possibly have to function on only half of his heart - but the doctor's there thought that they might be able to fix his heart to be fully functioning.  They performed the surgery a week and a half ago - but poor Logan's heart couldn't handle the changes. 
When Heidi posted on her blog yesterday that Logan was going in for another surgery, my heart started breaking for her.  I know what it's like to hand your baby over to the doctors, knowing that they are going put him to sleep, cut him open, and shut his heart down - and hook him up to a machine to keep him alive while they fix his heart - and then to wait for hours for it to be over.  I know what it's like to see your baby hooked up to tubes and wires and machines - and to see him hurt and see him cry, but not hear him, and to not be able to hold him or help him in any way.  I know what it's like to get woken up at all hours of the night so the doctors can poke him and prod him, wake him up to give him more medicine, take his blood, or check his stats.  I know what it's like when you have to help hold him down while he screams cause it's what's best for him. 
And so for the last 24 hours, my heart has been broken for Heidi and Brad, because I've been there - but I think it hurts worse, knowing what it's like, and knowing that someone else has to go through it -  but not only that, but they've had to do it twice now, in two weeks.  And they've had to do it miles away from home, away from friends and family that could support them and be there for them.  Away from their other two kids, who I'm sure they love just as much as Logan - and miss like crazy.  I wish I could take it away from them, make it so they didn't have to go through it.
So today has been a rough day for me - my heart as ached and I've cried a lot - and prayed a lot.  I prayed for Heidi and Brad to be supported by angels and  a loving Heavenly Father, who I know were there to lift me up and give me strength when it was my own baby in the operating room. I prayed for Logan, that his little heart could handle the changes and that he would make it through.  I prayed for the doctors, that the Lord would guide their minds and their hands to fix Logan's heart. 
My heart broke a little more tonight when we checked their blog for the millionth time today and found out that they weren't able to fix Logan's heart as well as they'd hoped.  They had to shut half his heart down and he'll have to have another surgery - and a heart transplant - in the years to come.  My heart is broken today - for Logan's broken heart, that can't be fixed, and for his parents' broken hearts, as they watch their baby suffer and know that he won't have the life they hoped for him.  Heidi, Brad, and Logan - we love you, and will keep praying for you and your broken hearts.