Bittersweet

So today was officially my last day of work.  Normally, the last day of the school year and the beginning of summer is a cause for celebration.  And it should be especially so for me today - since I get to do what I've always wanted, and be a stay-at-home mom.  But I find myself feeling mixed emotions.  Well, to clarify, I'm feeling a little more of the bitter today than the sweet.  However, I know that the sweetness is to come - and I have plenty of reasons to remind me why this is a glorious occasion.  I've looked forward to this day for months with much excitement and anticipation, but over the last week or so as it got closer, I started to get a little sad as I realized all that I would miss.  So I began to make a list of things I WON'T miss about my job.  So first, here are all of the "sweet" reasons why I am happy to be leaving my teaching career behind.

Things that I won't miss:
  - As I sit here on my work laptop, writing on my blog instead of saving all of my files so I can turn my computers in, I won't miss school district policies.  I won't miss a district who would rather throw away my old computer than let me keep it and use it.  I won't miss a district who told me, three days after my son was born and had open heart surgery, that even though I contributed to a sick bank, I wasn't allowed to use that sick bank because I wasn't the one who was sick - and if I didn't return to work, I "would be terminated"-   A district who won't let my fellow teacher, who hasn't taken a day off her whole career, use her earned personal day the day before a holiday without paying $75 for her own substitute.  A district who posts on their website, in the policy manual which we all signed, that they allow teachers to take a 1-year leave of absence, and then tells me that they don't do those anymore. (Yes, it's still on the website, but who could expect the district to know what is on their own website - or honor their own policies.)
  - I won't miss all of the expectations of a teacher.  I won't miss having more to do than can possibly be done in a day.  I won't miss the resulting feeling of inadequacy because I can't do it all.  I won't miss being torn in two, having to work and then come home and be a wife and mom - and feeling like I was only doing each of them half way.
 - I won't miss being responsible for 30 additional people, most of whom expect me to be responsible for them because they've never learned to be responsible for themselves. I won't miss keeping track of their books, papers, and assignments.  I won't miss cleaning up after them.  I won't miss repeating myself a million times - and having it go in one ear and out the other.  (I probably won't miss that one because that won't go away at all by being home.)
 - I won't miss having my heart break at all kids have to go through these days.  I won't miss wanting to cry for that kid with the abusive or neglectful parents, or the one who, when you ask how he's doing, says, "I'm okay" with an incredibly sad look on his face, and you know he's "just okay" because he doesn't have a place to live. Or the girl who's adoptive mom tells her she'll probably commit suicide someday, because that's what her birth mom did. 
  - I won't miss grading papers.  I HATE grading papers.  That is one thing I probably won't be volunteering to do in Enzo's classrooms when he gets to school.  I won't miss hunting down late work, doing progress reports, or anything else associated with doing grades.  That was the worst part of my job - and I'm glad it's over.
 - I won't miss guided reading groups.  I just never did get those quite right.  
 - I won't miss worrying about what I say about my job in case someone doesn't like it and wants to fire me for it.  Which is why I am happy to repost my blog titled "Bitter Tirades of a Burnt-out Teacher"
 - And mostly, I won't miss not liking my job anymore.  Contrary to what it may seem from this post, I won't miss complaining - and feeling like a "Negative Nancy" all of the time.  And I won't miss doing a poor job because I don't like it.  The last 2 school years, I just haven't had my full heart in my job, and I haven't done what I needed to do for my students.  I've often thought they'd be better off with someone else besides me, because I haven't been able to give them what they deserve.  Especially this last year, with 33 students and me only doing my job halfway.  I don't like to do things half way, and I don't like feeling like I'm not doing my best.

Now that I've reminded myself of all of the things I won't miss about my job, I need to do justice to all of the things I will miss. Here are the reasons why today feels so "bitter."
  - I will miss teaching science.  I never liked science as a student, but I LOVE it as a teacher.  I love making science fun and hands-on.  I love doing experiments, and seeing students learn to love science. One of my favorite moments as a teacher was when science experiments got canceled because of misbehavior - and one student was just distraught over it, because it was his favorite. I love teaching in the classroom and then being able to step outside and have students recognize what they've learned and point it out in the real world.
 - I'll miss sharing my love of reading.  I'll miss introducing a good series and getting a child hooked.  I'd say I'd miss read alouds - but those will still happen every day at home with Enzo.  So maybe I won't miss this one so much.
 - When talking to people these last few days, I've said that I won't even miss my students.  But that's not true.  I'll miss the light in their eyes when they've finally learned something difficult.  I'll miss those 6th graders, whose faces still light up when they see me, years after being in my class, and the macho boy who gets a grin on his face and runs to give me a hug every time he sees me.  I'll miss the letters telling me how much I meant to someone - and the letters that said, "I'm sorry, Mrs. LeFevre, for telling you your butt looked big."  I'll miss getting to make that girl "learn to feel good about herself and learn that she can do it."  I'll miss the opportunities to make a difference.  Especially since I'll never know if I really did.
 - But mostly,  I'm going to miss the people I work with.  How do you say goodbye to the people who you've laughed and cried with, the people that you've worked and "sweat" with, worried with, triumphed and failed with?  How do you say goodbye to the people who jumped right in to take over your job when your son was having heart surgery? To the people who spent hundreds of dollars on you to make your extended hospital stays more comfortable.  To the people who said, "Go, be with your son, we'll take care of it." Today, I brought some cookies and thank-you notes (which I never got around to writing) and intended to drop them off to people and say goodbye.  But I just couldn't do it. I knew if I did, I'd be a basket case.  So I brought my cookies home - and I'll say my thank-you's and goodbye's here (where no one but James can see me cry.)

• Shauna, thank you for being my mentor and friend.  Thank you for taking a scared new teacher under your wing and sharing everything with me.  Thank you for listening, and giving advice.  Thank you for your example - both of a good teacher, and of a good person.
• MaryAnn - thank you for your easy going, peaceful ways.  For unknowingly making me feel guilty every time I complained, because you rarely do.  For teaching me that "it is what it is."
• April, thank you for being an example of the kind of teacher - and Granny - I would want to be.
• Kevin, thank you for all of your help through the years - for being there next door for me to run in and ask for something that I needed.  Thank you for the music, and the book suggestions  - and for showing me how to have a little more fun with my students.
• Chris - thank you for saying hi and calling me by name every time you saw me, and for making me feel like I was someone special.
• Susan Henrie- thank you for making me feel like I was doing enough and doing it right, even when I felt like I wasn't.
• Susan Taylor - thank you for being the best cafeteria manager any teacher could ask for.  Thank you for your help with our 4th grade food projects - and for your patience with my lack of planning
• Sheila - thank you for being a listening and sympathetic ear, for letting me complain and making me feel like I wasn't alone.  Thank you for being my friend.
• Sarah - thank you for your smile, and your friendship - and for sharing a feeling of happiness even when the job sucked.
• Sheryl - thank you for being so willing to lend me anything I needed - even in the middle of your class time.  And for making Enzo feel loved whenever he came to visit
• Kathleen, thank you for your professionalism, and your example of an excellent teacher. I've always admired your beauty and style and I'm grateful for being able to work with you and learn from you - even from afar.
• Lisa - thank you for sharing your love of being a mother and for understanding what I was going through as a working mom.  Thank you for being willing to step in and help out in the 4th grade, even when you didn't have to.  And thank you for sharing your special students with me.
• Kay - thank you for giving me a nickname - and thus making me feel important.  
• Beth - thank you for being such a wonderful replacement for me in 4th grade, so I don't feel so guilty leaving Christina.  I would have loved the opportunity to work with you
• Natalie - thank you for going through it all with me - pregnancy, being a working mom with a new baby, and now early retirement.  It was nice to know I had someone going through the same things I was who I could share with.
• Melinda - thank you for watching Enzo for me in the mornings on faculty meeting days.  Thank you for listening and sharing with me this year, and thank you for your wonderful family.  You are a great mom and I hope I can be like you
• Joy - thank you for being a flexible, understanding principal.  And for all of your incredibly hard work that often goes unnoticed and unappreciated.
• Hanna - thank you for putting up with my slacker ways this year.  Thank you for being so great to work with and for your patience with me and my disorganization.  Thank you for always playing with Enzo so that I could finish teaching - or get things done.
• Christina - thank you for everything.  For being one of the hardest working, most caring teacher and person I've ever know. Thank you for pulling your own weight - and some of mine. Thank you for your hard work, picking up my slack for the past 2 years.  Thank you for your thoughtfulness - for the Jambas and Einsteins and Starbucks, and the cards you had the students make.  I could go on.  You are amazing.  Thank you for being my friend.
• And to everyone else - most of who were on the opposite side of the building where I didn't get a chance to know you as closely - Thank you for sharing your talents and friendship, thank you for being wonderful teachers, a part of a faculty every teacher dreams of. 

As you can see, I have lots of reasons why today was so "bitter". Saying goodbye to them is the hardest of all.
  - Overall, I'll miss my career.  It's what I spent 4 years studying for in college, it's what I've spent thousands of hours doing for the last decade.  So this is basically goodbye to the last 10 years of my life, and it's hard to let it go.  10 years is currently packed up in some boxes in my basement, getting ready to gather dust.  It's an end of that chapter in my life.

But it's also the beginning of a new one - and the best one.  I get to stay at home full-time with Enzo.  I get to hear "Mama, mama,mama" a million times a day. I get to see his excited face when he discovers knew things, I get to see him when he puts on sunglasses and says, "Hey, dude."  I get to give him kisses and have him say "thank you, thank you, thank you" just like I do when he gives me kisses - and I get to have him reach up and pull my face in for more. I get to share my love of learning with him.  And hopefully, I'll make a difference where it matters most.